Archives for category: psychology, justice, reflection, religion,

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Anniversary
By Lone Heron

It’s coming up on 28 years since that fateful june evening when I pulled the trigger and my parents passed into the spirit realm. I wonder if my mother were alive today would she have learned a different way and treat me nicer or would she be the same abusive control freak pushing me in just another cycle of unrealized continuance and projection.

I have forgiven her because I do believe that she really did have it in mind to do her best for me but she just didn’t understand how to go about getting that message across in another form of delivery or at least that’s what I choose to believe. It’s preferable to me to believe that way even if it is wrapped in pieces of denial- I say that because to even begin to believe that is true, I have to forget about the times my mother yelled and screamed telling me how she hated me and never wanted me while pulling hair, slapping,’and hitting.

She may have been telling me her truth in that moment- not once did she ever apologize, but since she did have me,’she did at least make sure I was fed, clothed and got an education which has been the necessary ingredient for me to unravel my nightmare in order to be here writing you today.

It is easier for me to say she was sick as opposed to just plain mean. or at least, this is’what II choose to believe based on what I have learned is true-
Let me explain-
The liver is the organ that generates frustration, irritability,
argumentativeness, anger and rage. According to he five element theory the liver operates at it’s peak between one and three am in the morning, and you should be asleep by 11pm for the liver to do it’s job properly- was my mothers liver further irritated because she worked mid-crew shift and was never in bed asleep when her liver would have been at it’s peak function time?
I know blood sugar which is affected by how well the liver converts sugars to glycogen can also create anger issues in people- I know personally about this one due to my own blood sugars imbalance which now seems to reside at an appropriate number 99-100.
Bringing my blood sugar back into balance with food and exercise greatly reduced my anger levels- note I said reduced, not eliminate, but I think you get the picture – and that is one piece of many that moved me from a place of hating my parents to a place of appreciating them and giving thanks for what they did provide. It does not make what they did right- but it does make it more understandable and therefore easier to forgive.
Especially when you bring alcohol into the parricide equation.
For parents who already have stress and they seek consolation through alcohol which then warps the entire picture even more by warping the individual mind, body and soul while aggravating the already stressed liver into overdrive thereby increasing the rage- and the kids
know it’s time to disappear if at all possible.

Once upon a time alcohol was called spirits and it was said that it weakens the individuals consciousness to the point that negative entities could step in and direct the body as the temporary designated driver….so to speak – is that what happens when a person gets so drunk they are unconscious of their actions even though they are still being active?

I wonder what Jacob Ind and others think of their parents- I wonder if they have forgiveness for them. I wonder have they thought things out as I have or have they gone a different route in their minds. Perhaps one day I will have the opportunity to speak directly to other parricide survivors about the nightmare we have experienced. I have had the opportunity to communicate with two other parricide victims via mail and telephone, one is now free the other is still incarcerated.
I believe the individual growth has been limited and stunted due to the system of incarceration that controls the other side of such events.

I have been blessed with many opportunities that those like Jacob ind will never have the experience of. Jacob has lost twenty years of his life for defending it. How would you feel if you were celebrating your umpteenth anniversary locked in a cage because you wanted to live free of harm, free of pain and you were pressed so deeply into a corner that your most primal instincts, kill or be killed were engaged and like a puppet you play the part unable to stop any event in the long chain of events that led to the moment in time where all thoughts of right and wrong roll back in your head like a sharks eye appears to do in a feeding frenzy.

The shrinks and counselors, judges and lawyers, and general society gather around to analyze it.
Gotta blame someone so it’s the kid that takes the heat cause the parents are dead. And society in its limited capacity to understand that which it has not experienced and then don’t understand why the kids do not acquiesce – inspection and analyzation are major pieces in the role played by parricide parents. So when the officials get involved after the fact well most times It’s just another form of hypocrisy. Another know it all thinking they know how to fix it. I propose they are not truly interested in fixing it because if they really were someone would have knocked on my door by now and said “hey – you own you committed this “crime” side stepped long term incarceration,have not regressed but instead progressed, have never killed again after 28 years? How did you do it? What suggestions from having come through this experience would you offer those of us on the outside trying to help rehabilitate and understand it? But no no one wants to hear my thoughts on healing these atrocities. They want to grab and run just like parricide parents. Eventually, they, like parricide parents and all other bullies in all walks of life, will meet the one,that even if only for a moment is bigger than them and then finally they will perhaps begin to understand, they too, are part of the problem that blocks and interferes with the natural course of healing.

My childhood prepared me for life in manny ways better than those who had the perfect leave it to beaver childhood. It made me strong and motivated me to do better. For many years I beat myself after all I was a murderer. But I am not. If I were a murderer as opposed to a survivor I can think of at least 3 other people who are still alive and kicking that would be six feet under somewhere.

With each passing year I feel more connection and gratitude for my parents. As awful as they were they could have been worse and they did create a survivor in me, or maybe I already was, they were just the ones to help me to learn about tat aspect of myself. I have no doubt that I will meet them on the other side of my death bed whenever that day arrives I will be looking forward to new levels of communication that could never be achieved here on this side of life.

Where once upon a time I ranted, raved, cried and even for a period denounced God trying to understand what I had done wrong to deserve this life- now I have come full circle and thank God for putting me through the strengthening fires of negativity. I am stronger for it due to the healing path I have followed. I hope the same is true of my parricide brothers and sisters who have fallen into incarceration. I hope they can with time, find value in the path they have traveled as have I.

Thank you for reading my post.
Questions &and and comments can be directed
To loneheron@Gmail.com
Inherited rage is my story which is frighteningly similar to other parricide events.
Inherited rage by: Lone Heron
can be found at http://www.amazon.com

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Inherited Rage Progress report for 2012

2012 Inherited Rage became available to the general public via Amazon.com
Attention was drawn to inherited rage through blogs put out here and through
The pendulum foundation via Mary Ellen Johnson. Mentions were made by
Dan Daily in his blogs. Not much else was Done.
Inherited rage made approximately 500$ profit it’s first year on amazon.
300 dollars of that money was paid to the company hired to get it up on the net
The remaining 200 dollars has been sent and received by Dan daily to install a water pump on the property at Estrella vista. Dan holds open doors on his property for parricide kids to have a place to come home to once they are released from incarceration and are trying to find their place to live free of violence in a violent world- it is a difficult chore.

I am thrilled with the responses I have received from readers – only one in a year had a negative commentary- you can find that one one star review on amazon.com next to all the five star reviews. And for the record- all of those reviews are from different people -some I know, but more I don’t.
I wrote Inherited Rage with the intention that my story, as dreadful as it is, would help others
I know it is serving its purpose due to the readers response and I am thrilled that it has accumulated enough funds to make a difference for someone else.

If you have read Inherited Rage and have not, please post a review on Amazon – good or bad-
All are beneficial.
To my readers thank you for your support to help raise awareness on
The issues we all face with abuse in our society.

Below you will find a copy from Amazon reports for IR,

Sold
Borrowed
Royalty
Feb
2
4.08
March
7
1
16.46
April
18
1
39.2
May
13
8
44.58
June
13
44.72
July
17
58.48
August
15
51.6
September
24
96.8
October
20
125
November
11
68.75
December
2
12.5
January
7
43.75
February
7
43.75
March
15

?

171
649.67

For a period of 1 year, 171 copies of IR sold and collected 649.67 in royalties.

Sweat Equity
By: Lone Heron
I threw the television out ages ago and my home became nstantaneously more pleasant and peaceful. However, I still have the Internet and when I look on there and allow the world and the events occurring in the realm of politics to enter my mindframe it makes me want to scream, turn off the machine and run for the hills.

All the woe is me – the argumentation-
The power plays and the struggles that keep people trapped in situations where they don’t want to be in is endless. The problem has not changed in nover two hundred years- probably not since the beginning of time when we were still the land of Pan. It is quite simple really, when you boil it all down it is the same enduring war between the haves and the have nots that has gone on from the beginning of time and will no doubtedly continue until this planet is no more.

Many of us tend to forget that our focus is fertilizer and whatever we focus on in life is what will grow. If we all keep our focus on positive things and get on with our chores things would work out with out all this crap- Half or more of the people I read about are the problem -they sit on their asses looking for a handout, looking for someone to save them when the only person that can save themselves is them. When we help ourselves, others want to help us- when we bash ourselves (mentally, verbally, emotionally or physical), others will also do this in the most amazing innocuous ways. Monkey see – Monkey do!

Many forget,’this country was built on more than anything else -‘courage, sweat equity and good old survival of the fittest. The fittest did not whine moan and groan,’they asked “what’s it gonna take?”, and put their backs into it. They took full and complete responsibility for themselves. They didn’t look for big brother or uncle sam, God Almighty, Jesus, Buddha or anyone else to bail them out.

No-they got up everyday and went out in horrid weather with no warm shower and no electricity to brew the coffee to start their day. They made make mention of the realities they faced but they did not complain. They pulled their bootstraps up and got their hands dirty getting on with the doing of things that needed to be done.

We should all do the same if for no other reason than to simply acknowledge and give thankful gratitude to our elders who paved the way for us to be here today with bootstraps to pull up.

All to many times I here people say “oh I don’t want to do that”. Well get over it life doesn’t get lived by keeping your hands clean and callous free. The rest of us who have pulled up our bootstraps don’t want to be your mama or your daddy! No we want you to get off your ass and join u’s to make a better world- not stand in line for a handout.

Everybody can do something to improve-
…..Find your something……
AND DO IT!

Lone Heron, Author of Inherited Rage can be found at amazon.com

Home

By: Lone Heron

The word conjures up images for most of us.

For those children who were lucky enough to land in the Leave it to Beaver families home brings to mind loving supportive parents, apple pies, perhaps a beloved family pet, a childhood friend or activity- always with smiles and hugs.

But for the parricide child it brings a different set of memories. They are generally as dark as the Beavers were light.

My how the world has changed. Did parricide, the killing of one’s parents, occur in the 50’s? I bet it did since it’s been occurring since the beginning of time just like everything else.

Until the past 20-30 years though parricide has remained swept carefully under the family rug. Now that dirt has leaked out onto the internet, we’re told we have a national average of 300 kids per year. And yet they say incidents are actually declining- I wonder how can they be sure? I wonder how many are out there just like me who by the grace of GOD slipped through the cracks of the legal system.

Parents speak to your kids about abuse – look out for the Jacobs and those like him whose only crime was defending their own life.

And for the judges and prosecutors of our courts: when you have been living in this situation and you know it’s going to happen again and each time is worse. Knowing it’s coming IS IMMINENT! So you are going to have to change your definition of first-degree murder. And consider these killings are acts of self-defense which may look like murder but its not quite the same.

It seems that its ok for our military in war but not for a child left behind in familial war.

Hypocrisy I say.

Inherited Rage by Lone Heron can be purchased at http://www.amazon.com

“The murder of Jacob”by Maryellen Johnson can be found at http://www.pendulumfoundation

See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil
By: Lone Heron

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Who among us has not fought the battle of deciding- do i tell or keep quiet?
We have all been imprinted with- see no evil, speak no evil, and hear no evil-
but where is the program for doing no evil when it’s done to us?

Both mine and Jacob Ind’s mothers wished us dead before we ever really knew what dead was.
15 yrs apart on opposite sides of the country we experienced frighteningly similar childhoods. We both came into a world where our mothers really did not want us and the hell began.
15 and 18 years later Jacob and I ended our hell by similar measures. The paths we took to get there were slightly different but thick with similarity. If ourstories were compared to others of similar nature I am betting there are even more markers to be found. I am betting this kind of study could reveal a profound foretelling or forewarning that these events are not only highly probable, but in certain situations most certain and nothing less than evacuating the child to some other place where there best interests would be maintained will do.

I propose one place that might be would be a self sustaining working farm where this child could become part of a community that was geared for this purpose alone.
One well managed farm should be able to handle 1-200 kids at a time while also providing a job/housing arrangement for the public that would provide these kids the opportunity to learn a new way to be while giving back to the community. 3-4 of these scattered around the country would take these special children out of the modern day concentration camps we call prison.

All participants would work collectively on this farm all would have chores and responsibility.
One working for all and all working for one.
Connected we stand- divided we fall-
It’s time to re-connect and stand tall.

To do that we must share and so that’s Exactly what I am doing here- I am sharing what I know in hopes that it will somehow help. If you find my post helpful please let me know. If you have answers to my questions, then I would like to talk to you over tea. If you wish to attack me negatively in any way, it really is gonna make me suspicious about You and why you respond so strongly Because this s not about me. We might have to have a long talk to get to the bottom of it or in some cases for those who just want to argue for the sake of argue- just walk on by. It is my intention to do everything I can to help us find a better way and nothing more. My dreams are not wealth or status my dreams are for change that brings peace, acceptance understanding joy and happiness.

Proceeds from
Inherited Rage by lone Heron
Www.amazon.com
will be directed to create funds to establish just such a farm as the one mentioned above. If you can help with this dream please contact us- let us know how you can help. otherwise ~ well taxes aren’t getting any cheaper and I don’t know about you but I would rather see the incarnated youth growing there own food, I think ploughing the field and mucking out the milking cows stall and collecting eggs is a better option than a 6×8 concrete cell like uncommon pound animal.
I would like to see them learning about life from mother nature and recovering to be a productive participant rather than another tax dollar on my aching wallet.

The murder of Jacob by MaryEllen Johnson can be found at http://www.pemndulumfoundation.com
under MaryEllen’s blog.

Salute to friendships
By: Lone Heron

I recently lost a friend of 25 years. A was my first real boss in a real office 25 plus years ago. She hired me as her administrative assistant. She was the regional director of the southern office of a major foreign exchange student program. The heiracrchy went: A: Regional Director, Myself: Regional Directors assistant, fifty coordinators, two hundred and fifty representatives and six to seven hundred foreign exchange students to be placed into american host families to experience the american way of life for a year.

A was only two years older than myself. She was a party girl and charasmatic. She was confident and in charge. She was everything we all wished we could be, or at least she seemed to be. She had it all, the job, the car, the corner office, the handsome talented fiancé, the cool friends……. Ah, the cool friends didn’t turn out to be so cool when truth was finally told.

For eighteen months II worked happily as her assistant and then things started changing. There
was confusion where there had not been before -nothing seemed to be going right in the office, papers were lost, bills weren’t paid, those responsibilities were not my department, but i was blamed for the chaos. Nothing made sense. I was told the company was making cutbacks and i should look for another job, so I did. I found another job and moved on ….went back to school and entered an entirely different career but I stayed in touch with my former boss and over the years an odd friendship grew.

When I graduated massage school A became an infrequent visitor to my table, I met her husband and watched from a distance the process of the birth of two healthy boys and a miserable divorce.
I met her mother. I worked on the boys, I worked on her, and from time to time we would hang out , grill out, talk about the men in or out of our lives, work, and all those things that friends talk about.

Over the years A shared shattered pieces of her story- she allowed me to see her life through the windows of her memories and her pain. Parents divorced early, Dad walked out and basically abandoned A, her brother and mother. Mother remarried financially successful but step dad trespassed his new step daughter. At 14 she ran away and became a heroin hooker on hollywood blvd for a couple of years before somehow she ended up back in her home town on the east coast with mama cleaning her up. She stayed on her wagon ????no one really knows how long….. but it was never long enough. the last ten years of her life she started confessing so many things to me.

Things I would never have dreamed to guess, things like her first son wasn’t really her husband’s but her dealer’s at the time. She told me many things. shocking things like if i had not of left the company where i originally met her of my own accord she would have fired me because she had used me as a cover to embezzle over sixty thousand dollars from the company – twenty years after the fact she asked me why I wasn’t mad as i stood looking at her in total shock. What would be the point of getting mad I asked? It’s done and luckily no harm came to me but why would you do that? You did not need the money. Her answer was a simple shrug and a quiet, just to see if i could”. The more she revealed the more my heart sank as I realized how she had created the nightmare that would in the end take not only take her life, but her 16 year old son’s as well. They died a week apart.
One leaving behind regrets of a life unfilled, the other regrets of how their life was lived.

I have watched from a distance through the windows of my friends memories and learned much about why I would never want to try coke, crank, crack, heroin, meth or any other form of snow to be snorted, cooked, injected or smoked I am glad my blessed mother put the fear of those things in me from an early age. I never really knew my blood father partially at least to his involvement in those things and those things among others led him to tour the united states from a variety of different incarceration ports. He had many second chances. but flushed every one of them down the toilet or so i have been told by those who supposedly know. My friend A was the same the only difference was she had a wealthy mother to bail her out and keep her out of the incarceration tanks but not out of the cancer center.

When A was diagnosed for cancer and had just finished her second round of chemo she sat on her porch telling me how she was clean and hadn’t touched the shit in a year. I told her the only thing that had changed was her dealer. Now instead of meth she had oxycotin. now instead of meeting her dealer in back corners, she did it in the public office of her doctor, the drugs still slowly leading her to the same death, just a different cleaner route than the path she traveled before. She did not disagree.

I have friends who have told me I just should move on and not interact with those who waste their lives on such endeavors, but for all of A’s deception, her unreliability and her destruction she never was short of a smile. She always had a word of encouragement, somehow she always made you feel things weren’t so bad and tomorrow would be a better day. She never held my secrets against me. When i was in the throws of grief that went with writing “Inherited Rage” and thought i would not be able to finish it she would come by and fill my ears with how incredible it was that i was even willing to try. She made me feel good about me and that is what i will remember her by the gifts of love and encouragement that she strewed like rose petals every where she went. She knew how to laugh and at least present the image of having fun, unfortunately it wasn’t until the end that the rest of realized what a front she had put up, and the price she would pay for the secrets she kept.

I will miss my friend A. Despite her faults and human weaknesses she was a good friend to me.
I was blessed to know her and I pray she find that place where she no longer needs a drug to feel the love.

Throwaway children in a throwaway society.
By Lone Heron

It seems we create a lot of “trash” from people to plastic bottles- we are a discarding society- There seems to be a wasteful mentality that has now grown till the point that it stands ready to devour the discarders themselves.

I wonder, do people hold anything sacred anymore?
Do we appreciate how good we have it? Those from the great depression hold onto everything while their offspring throw it away as fast as they can-

I have heard it said, people cannot appreciate anything they have not earned. I believe there is truth in that, as often people give me things I do not want and I pass them along to others only to wish much later I had held onto that thing that was previously of no value – but I could sure use now.

What will we do as a society when all the people we have thrown away in jail because we did not know what else to do with these individuals who strike fear in our hearts from the actions they took become a burden we can no longer carry?

When will we realize that although they may or may not have been the one to actually commit the crime we all played a part in it- some passively others actively- but we are all guilty- the law agrees with if you were there when the act occurred automatically you are an accomplice wether it’s true or not is not the point – the point is they are doing their job based on what society called for- but most people were thinking mass murders and thieves for crooked reasons not murder for self defense- No, to the law,murder is murder – it is only separated by small degrees of intensity on what kind of murder but no where is there a category of sentencing on murder for self defense -is there? No, that’s just self defense not murder.
How can we blame a kid who is 11,13,15,16,17 even18 years old who put an end to something we as adults would not have tolerated for a day or a week much less decades?

How can we condemn these kids when we know the truth? When we condemn them are we not also condemning ourselves?
If someone is so bad that they must be locked up for life and we must support their incarceration I figure that makes us just as quietly guilty otherwise why would we be willing to work so hard to support something which is a drain to all?

Have we lost so much feeling and resourcefulness to grow that we must penalize those who are doing nothing but trying to survive? Are we so heartless that we will not give a second chance because our fear refuses such opportunity? It might seem so depending on where you look but that is not necessarily the truth either.

Truth is a hard subject – it looks different for everyone- Truth is relative but often ignored-
Punishment delivered by others is never as just as what our subconscious would deliver.
I say this because of my own experience which I have shared in Inherited Rage.
I would really like to hear opinions from others- I would like to know if other people think I would have suffered more in jail- would jail have made me a more moral person? A better citizen? I don’t think so- I think if I had of gone to jail the only difference is the taxpayers would have had to pay my bill. I don’t think I would have the same drive to make amends- and I am pretty sure I would not have near as much to contribute.
I took two lives in defense of my own- my guilt has driven me to give more life back than I ever took – tell me do the majority of the prisoners feel that way?
I don’t know but I would like to know.

Had I trusted those who were sent to help me and told the truth -they would not have helped me- they would have thrown me in the trash and sent the bill to the citizen in taxes and it would have changed nothing. As it was I took a higher path of my own accord and I help pay uncle SAMs bill every year right along with everyone else but I am tired of uncle Sam spending my money and achieving lil or nothing except more debt, more heartache and more empty promises – but I know I can’t even blame the government because the government is controlled indirectly and directly by puppets representing the masses – puppets caught between the higher ups and the lower downs. I ask you why do we need these puppets?

Nothing will change until we change as individuals. Nothing will change until we take out our own trash and face the mountain we have created. I say the worst thing about politicians is not politicians, it’s the people who have elected them to do something with the trash the people have created because they don’t want to get their own hands dirty.

My answer of resolution is get a pair of gloves and get involved. I would like to know what is your plan? I would like to know how we can work together to help everyone- So many look to the government and the government looks to the people- when will we stop rubbernecking while we drive by doing nothing? When will we rise up and pitch in and quit waiting on others to do it for us? When will we become thinkers and doers instead of a nation of watchers? The event of parricide I would gamble to say would never happen if communities would stand up against those who they know are committing such heinous acts. Our ancestors conquered America; we stole it from the Indians- We fought unimaginable things and survived but did we win our freedom simply to turn around and enslave ourselves? Did we win our freedom at the loss of our heart and soul? Did we win our freedom at the expense of others and now karma is serving us up a dose of our own?

That’s how it seems to me. I am not willing to surrender to that demise and I wonder who of you out there is with me? Who is willing to stand and speak and ask not for another slice of pie but instead demand an entirely different kind of pie? Come my fellow countrymen and stand in unison with me- together we can change everything for the better but we must do it collectively Let us rally together and resolve our issues in a chorus so loud that the government officials we have elected can not deny us the one thing we all deserve freedom- and that should include freedom to fight for our lives without penalty even if that means death. Note I did not say murder I said fight for our lives- there is a difference!