Archives for category: self help, psychology, mind, focus, society,

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Anniversary
By Lone Heron

It’s coming up on 28 years since that fateful june evening when I pulled the trigger and my parents passed into the spirit realm. I wonder if my mother were alive today would she have learned a different way and treat me nicer or would she be the same abusive control freak pushing me in just another cycle of unrealized continuance and projection.

I have forgiven her because I do believe that she really did have it in mind to do her best for me but she just didn’t understand how to go about getting that message across in another form of delivery or at least that’s what I choose to believe. It’s preferable to me to believe that way even if it is wrapped in pieces of denial- I say that because to even begin to believe that is true, I have to forget about the times my mother yelled and screamed telling me how she hated me and never wanted me while pulling hair, slapping,’and hitting.

She may have been telling me her truth in that moment- not once did she ever apologize, but since she did have me,’she did at least make sure I was fed, clothed and got an education which has been the necessary ingredient for me to unravel my nightmare in order to be here writing you today.

It is easier for me to say she was sick as opposed to just plain mean. or at least, this is’what II choose to believe based on what I have learned is true-
Let me explain-
The liver is the organ that generates frustration, irritability,
argumentativeness, anger and rage. According to he five element theory the liver operates at it’s peak between one and three am in the morning, and you should be asleep by 11pm for the liver to do it’s job properly- was my mothers liver further irritated because she worked mid-crew shift and was never in bed asleep when her liver would have been at it’s peak function time?
I know blood sugar which is affected by how well the liver converts sugars to glycogen can also create anger issues in people- I know personally about this one due to my own blood sugars imbalance which now seems to reside at an appropriate number 99-100.
Bringing my blood sugar back into balance with food and exercise greatly reduced my anger levels- note I said reduced, not eliminate, but I think you get the picture – and that is one piece of many that moved me from a place of hating my parents to a place of appreciating them and giving thanks for what they did provide. It does not make what they did right- but it does make it more understandable and therefore easier to forgive.
Especially when you bring alcohol into the parricide equation.
For parents who already have stress and they seek consolation through alcohol which then warps the entire picture even more by warping the individual mind, body and soul while aggravating the already stressed liver into overdrive thereby increasing the rage- and the kids
know it’s time to disappear if at all possible.

Once upon a time alcohol was called spirits and it was said that it weakens the individuals consciousness to the point that negative entities could step in and direct the body as the temporary designated driver….so to speak – is that what happens when a person gets so drunk they are unconscious of their actions even though they are still being active?

I wonder what Jacob Ind and others think of their parents- I wonder if they have forgiveness for them. I wonder have they thought things out as I have or have they gone a different route in their minds. Perhaps one day I will have the opportunity to speak directly to other parricide survivors about the nightmare we have experienced. I have had the opportunity to communicate with two other parricide victims via mail and telephone, one is now free the other is still incarcerated.
I believe the individual growth has been limited and stunted due to the system of incarceration that controls the other side of such events.

I have been blessed with many opportunities that those like Jacob ind will never have the experience of. Jacob has lost twenty years of his life for defending it. How would you feel if you were celebrating your umpteenth anniversary locked in a cage because you wanted to live free of harm, free of pain and you were pressed so deeply into a corner that your most primal instincts, kill or be killed were engaged and like a puppet you play the part unable to stop any event in the long chain of events that led to the moment in time where all thoughts of right and wrong roll back in your head like a sharks eye appears to do in a feeding frenzy.

The shrinks and counselors, judges and lawyers, and general society gather around to analyze it.
Gotta blame someone so it’s the kid that takes the heat cause the parents are dead. And society in its limited capacity to understand that which it has not experienced and then don’t understand why the kids do not acquiesce – inspection and analyzation are major pieces in the role played by parricide parents. So when the officials get involved after the fact well most times It’s just another form of hypocrisy. Another know it all thinking they know how to fix it. I propose they are not truly interested in fixing it because if they really were someone would have knocked on my door by now and said “hey – you own you committed this “crime” side stepped long term incarceration,have not regressed but instead progressed, have never killed again after 28 years? How did you do it? What suggestions from having come through this experience would you offer those of us on the outside trying to help rehabilitate and understand it? But no no one wants to hear my thoughts on healing these atrocities. They want to grab and run just like parricide parents. Eventually, they, like parricide parents and all other bullies in all walks of life, will meet the one,that even if only for a moment is bigger than them and then finally they will perhaps begin to understand, they too, are part of the problem that blocks and interferes with the natural course of healing.

My childhood prepared me for life in manny ways better than those who had the perfect leave it to beaver childhood. It made me strong and motivated me to do better. For many years I beat myself after all I was a murderer. But I am not. If I were a murderer as opposed to a survivor I can think of at least 3 other people who are still alive and kicking that would be six feet under somewhere.

With each passing year I feel more connection and gratitude for my parents. As awful as they were they could have been worse and they did create a survivor in me, or maybe I already was, they were just the ones to help me to learn about tat aspect of myself. I have no doubt that I will meet them on the other side of my death bed whenever that day arrives I will be looking forward to new levels of communication that could never be achieved here on this side of life.

Where once upon a time I ranted, raved, cried and even for a period denounced God trying to understand what I had done wrong to deserve this life- now I have come full circle and thank God for putting me through the strengthening fires of negativity. I am stronger for it due to the healing path I have followed. I hope the same is true of my parricide brothers and sisters who have fallen into incarceration. I hope they can with time, find value in the path they have traveled as have I.

Thank you for reading my post.
Questions &and and comments can be directed
To loneheron@Gmail.com
Inherited rage is my story which is frighteningly similar to other parricide events.
Inherited rage by: Lone Heron
can be found at http://www.amazon.com

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Getting Along with Others
By: Lone Heron
Author of Inherited Rage-available at amazon.com

Getting along with others seems to be a real challenge for many, including myself.. I like the ideal of getting along with others but it doesn’t always seem to work out to well. I say that because if you aren’t agreeing with them,you probably aren’t going to get along with them. You can try, but likely you will keep getting hung up on that same old disagreeable snag. Or at least that seems to have been my personal experience. I can agree to disagree, but I seem to have difficulty sitting silently by and keeping my mouth shut! It’s really quite ironic when you consider I spent the first twenty years of my life keeping my mouth shut -fear is a powerful motivator – i guess II have made up for it the last twenty years of my life and now I find myself reverting back to being a quieter, less volunteering person- what’s the point when no one hears or remembers?

What’s the point of asking when the people you have asked have proven time and again they don’t really care about what’s up with you because their drama is soooooo much more important…
We all have people like this in our lives and even when we take time out to focus and try to help them, they don’t really appreciate it. They take everything you have to give and then want more but they don’t want to reciprocate anything to feed the flow of energy. Oh no- to get these people to do anything to help you is about as difficult as freezing water in hell.

You can ask nicely, bargain, offer a fair trade, beg, cajole, pester, annoy and they just smile agree and then ignore- or pretend the conversation never occurred. But these hese same people won’t blink an eye in hesitation the next time they see you before they launch into what they need from you. These people are I have decided evil and insincere friends. Sincere friends want to help. They offer their help and actually follow through instead of just talking about it.

I think the time has come to weed my garden of insincere friends- those who will take my help all day long- those who feel no qualms to ask of me whatever they like with no thought of reciprocation- it reminds me of what the nazis did to the Jewish, and of what a parricide parent does to create a parricide child.

The give and take energy is out of balance- take take take- more more more- it’s all over the place in our society and until we learn how to draw hard boundaries it will continue to be picked up by group after group to try and succeed where prior groups have failed- the trail will be followed by many until enough realize and consciously divert the heard by drawing boundaries and choosing how they engage,instead of wasting energy helping others who do not reciprocate and who do not reinvest the energy wisely given them by those who helped them. ” Waste not, want not ” – ageless wisdom. Yet so many of us seem to forget this, we waste and squander and then look for someone else to refill the proverbial gas tank. The proverbial gas tank is filled when others pay attention to us. The quality of attention could be comparable to the quality of fuel in your vehicle.
If the gas has been contaminated your car won’t run as smoothly. If the person listening to you can’t tell you what you said 5 min after your conversation was over because they interrupted to tell you something about a totally different subject – well all the energy you spent on that particular conversation was wasted. And without reciprocal energy investment you end up feeling drained and empty. It’s just part of the cycle of life- checks and balances that need to occur in order to maintain harmony- makes since when you apply it to your checking account – but many never apply that thought to their time. If more considered it I bet I could get along with those people a whole lot better.

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Learning how to feel
By: lone Heron
Author of Inherited Rage -available at amazon.com

Learning how to communicate requires learning how to listen.

Learning how to truly listen
Requires learning how to feel.
How many can truly honestly say how they feel?
How do you feel today?

If you don’t feel good are you ignoring it just to get through the day? That’s what happens to children of parricide. They have to ignore their feelings just to survive. After years of this practice they become numb just like after listening to loud noises over time causes one to lose hearing. Ignoring how we feel causes a lack of feelings. Most of us have a choice but the child of parricide has no more of a choice about his feelings than the soldier who fights with heavy artillery has a choice about his hearing- even ear protection will not completely protect from the damage being done.

When we don’t have the compassion or the feeling to lift a finger to aide another in assistance when they are asking for it what gives us the right to judge them after they take care of the problem themselves? A good majority of our good Christian citizens who tell us we shouldn’t judge will be the first ones to turn on the evening news and make decisions they lack the information to honestly make. Looks like Judgement in my mind. The very Christians that turned a blind eye unwilling to help were the same damn busy bodies that visited me in jail wanting to help- but then it was tooooooo late. God will save you they said- to which I think if god worked those good Christians would have intervened but they did not because they only quoted what the bible said about God- that same program they were taught did not work at my house. They could not conceive much less understand and so they judged and to this day many still do. It is a very sad situation, ignorance and fear breed segregation that is based upon emotional intelligence which relates to how we feel that the majority never even acknowledge.

We are told at various points how we are not to feel- but how are we supposed to feel?
And what do we do with those feelings that gnaw away and turn us into less than what we were meant to be. what are we supposed to do with those feelings we don’t want to feel? I don’t believe it was meant for us to go around feeling like we weren’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, rich enough whatever enough….. But these were the things we learned from a society that doesn’t want to communicate and build but rather a society that needs to tear something down to make an some other individual feel better. What happened to focusing on the subject at hand and dealing with it instead of sweeping it under the rug where it could grow into a monster.
What happened to agreeing to disagree- what happened to the idea of reciprocation? What happened to the idea: If you scratch my back I will scratch yours and everybody can be itch free.

I have helped many and i believe i was able to do so because I learned to help myself first. No one else seemed to be able to hear or wanted to hear what I was saying and therefore they couldn’t help me, but boy did they judge me for helping myself! I believe the ones who were the angriest were also feeling the guiltiest because they didn’t do anything to change the course of anything. Those who stand by and watch the crime occur while doing nothing are as guilty as the ones doing wrong in my opinion. They are approving the action by not defying it. Until our society realizes how they assist in the creation of the crime committed by the criminal we will not resolve our problems. We cannot do this until we learn how to feel. We can not do this until we become more compassionate and accepting of how others feel, and yet the idea of emotional education is very foreign to most of us. We rarely stop and consider how we feel unless something in our body actually hurts, if we were to learn to reflect upon how we feel I am thinking many of our physical as well as emotional and mental issues would automatically dissolve simply because as we started to hone in on how we felt we would also hone in on those lil things that build into big things and stop them before they became crises or monsters.

Inherited Rage Progress report for 2012

2012 Inherited Rage became available to the general public via Amazon.com
Attention was drawn to inherited rage through blogs put out here and through
The pendulum foundation via Mary Ellen Johnson. Mentions were made by
Dan Daily in his blogs. Not much else was Done.
Inherited rage made approximately 500$ profit it’s first year on amazon.
300 dollars of that money was paid to the company hired to get it up on the net
The remaining 200 dollars has been sent and received by Dan daily to install a water pump on the property at Estrella vista. Dan holds open doors on his property for parricide kids to have a place to come home to once they are released from incarceration and are trying to find their place to live free of violence in a violent world- it is a difficult chore.

I am thrilled with the responses I have received from readers – only one in a year had a negative commentary- you can find that one one star review on amazon.com next to all the five star reviews. And for the record- all of those reviews are from different people -some I know, but more I don’t.
I wrote Inherited Rage with the intention that my story, as dreadful as it is, would help others
I know it is serving its purpose due to the readers response and I am thrilled that it has accumulated enough funds to make a difference for someone else.

If you have read Inherited Rage and have not, please post a review on Amazon – good or bad-
All are beneficial.
To my readers thank you for your support to help raise awareness on
The issues we all face with abuse in our society.

Below you will find a copy from Amazon reports for IR,

Sold
Borrowed
Royalty
Feb
2
4.08
March
7
1
16.46
April
18
1
39.2
May
13
8
44.58
June
13
44.72
July
17
58.48
August
15
51.6
September
24
96.8
October
20
125
November
11
68.75
December
2
12.5
January
7
43.75
February
7
43.75
March
15

?

171
649.67

For a period of 1 year, 171 copies of IR sold and collected 649.67 in royalties.

Change -“GangLand”
By: Lone Heron

Change is something we all need and at the same time something many of us dread. We hate change as a general. We are creatures of habit. If it were good enough for us, our parents will say, its good enough for you to. There is a lot of truth in that and it would be fine if things were still happening the way they were a zillion years ago, But things have changed, times have changed.
you don’t need to go to town once a week anymore to find out whats going on. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a television, someone will call you on the telephone and if you don’t have a telephone as a last resort they will do it the old fashioned way and come to your door and tell you if it is important enough. Theres one thing that will never change and thats gossip! Everybody has and opinion even if its borrowed.

People fight for change while they fight against it. Change is truly the only constant and yet we fight it every inch of the way. We try to control instead of go with the flow. Each of us has our all important agenda and we all think we are right, at least initially…..

Over the past several weeks I have been watching a documentary series on gangs provided by the History channel and delivered through Netflix. The series “GangLand”, takes you into a variety of different gangs present and operating in our communities today. It shares the history and the background from which gangs arose and grew.

Hispanic, Irish, Italian, white, black, yellow and brown — The underdogs of all races have shown up to represent themselves. Many of the members who have risen in the gang order have military backgrounds. They all have codes of honor that if broken mean one thing – DEATH.

After watching two seasons of this series I can see the lure for someone who has been the bullied
I can see how one could end up in just such a situation. I could see the lure for a teenager one might not ever think was at risk. The kid from the broken home who lives down the street or the child born into the gang may never have a choice. They are programmed like all of us by the environment in which they live.

Gangs rise and fall but our current system of dealing with this violent underside of society does not work. Gang members often purposely commit the crime with the intention of doing the time and thereby showing there loyalty to the gang and thus raising their own status of power within the gang. Most of the highest operating members who lead and disperse orders are incarcerated yet continue to lead and give orders maintaining business as usual despite being isolated from other inmates and gang members.

Racism is rampant in gang’s and all that enter know that there are only two ways out prison or death. Members are beat in meaning they are beat by other members for a period of time ranging from thirty seconds to six minutes- recruits have been known to die in the beat in initiation process. I learned a lot by watching the series. I learned what the graffiti tags ( spray painted marks that indicate gang territory) down the street from my house indicate. I think I won’t dally in those zones now that I know what those marks mean. I don’t want to be a happen stance victim just because they live next door.

I think there is no simple answer to resolving the issues that grow from these elements of society.
After watching more than eighteen hours of gang documentary I do not think our current judicial systems way of dealing with these elements is not the answer. For many of these individuals jail time is not a deterrent but rather just another way to prove their loyalty to the gang. When these individuals join a gang it is by no light measure. If they break the codes they are killed. They live by a kill or be killed mentality and many show no remorse. When one of their leaders is killed there will be a momentary lull before another rises to take his place. In the meantime we the tax payers are paying to keep them. Prison is no less violent in many cases than the streets. Prisoners find ways to make weapons and use them on one another often only a few days before their release date just to stay in jail and rise in gang status.

Those who sign up for a life of living by a kill or be killed code will not stop until they die. If it is death they seek perhaps instead of incarceration those who have proven time and time and time again, those who flush second and third chances have not earned a fourth chance. Those who blatantly state that they don’t care to change their ways and have no remorse and will kill again should be given that which they obviously seek.

Change is the only constant. If we do not change our way of reformation the issues will only continue to increase. I personally think the only way to deal with a kill or be killed mentality is to destroy it. If new stricter laws were passed that moved these committed gang killers thru the death penalty system perhaps we would be doing them and everyone else a favor.

Salute to friendships
By: Lone Heron

I recently lost a friend of 25 years. A was my first real boss in a real office 25 plus years ago. She hired me as her administrative assistant. She was the regional director of the southern office of a major foreign exchange student program. The heiracrchy went: A: Regional Director, Myself: Regional Directors assistant, fifty coordinators, two hundred and fifty representatives and six to seven hundred foreign exchange students to be placed into american host families to experience the american way of life for a year.

A was only two years older than myself. She was a party girl and charasmatic. She was confident and in charge. She was everything we all wished we could be, or at least she seemed to be. She had it all, the job, the car, the corner office, the handsome talented fiancĂ©, the cool friends……. Ah, the cool friends didn’t turn out to be so cool when truth was finally told.

For eighteen months II worked happily as her assistant and then things started changing. There
was confusion where there had not been before -nothing seemed to be going right in the office, papers were lost, bills weren’t paid, those responsibilities were not my department, but i was blamed for the chaos. Nothing made sense. I was told the company was making cutbacks and i should look for another job, so I did. I found another job and moved on ….went back to school and entered an entirely different career but I stayed in touch with my former boss and over the years an odd friendship grew.

When I graduated massage school A became an infrequent visitor to my table, I met her husband and watched from a distance the process of the birth of two healthy boys and a miserable divorce.
I met her mother. I worked on the boys, I worked on her, and from time to time we would hang out , grill out, talk about the men in or out of our lives, work, and all those things that friends talk about.

Over the years A shared shattered pieces of her story- she allowed me to see her life through the windows of her memories and her pain. Parents divorced early, Dad walked out and basically abandoned A, her brother and mother. Mother remarried financially successful but step dad trespassed his new step daughter. At 14 she ran away and became a heroin hooker on hollywood blvd for a couple of years before somehow she ended up back in her home town on the east coast with mama cleaning her up. She stayed on her wagon ????no one really knows how long….. but it was never long enough. the last ten years of her life she started confessing so many things to me.

Things I would never have dreamed to guess, things like her first son wasn’t really her husband’s but her dealer’s at the time. She told me many things. shocking things like if i had not of left the company where i originally met her of my own accord she would have fired me because she had used me as a cover to embezzle over sixty thousand dollars from the company – twenty years after the fact she asked me why I wasn’t mad as i stood looking at her in total shock. What would be the point of getting mad I asked? It’s done and luckily no harm came to me but why would you do that? You did not need the money. Her answer was a simple shrug and a quiet, just to see if i could”. The more she revealed the more my heart sank as I realized how she had created the nightmare that would in the end take not only take her life, but her 16 year old son’s as well. They died a week apart.
One leaving behind regrets of a life unfilled, the other regrets of how their life was lived.

I have watched from a distance through the windows of my friends memories and learned much about why I would never want to try coke, crank, crack, heroin, meth or any other form of snow to be snorted, cooked, injected or smoked I am glad my blessed mother put the fear of those things in me from an early age. I never really knew my blood father partially at least to his involvement in those things and those things among others led him to tour the united states from a variety of different incarceration ports. He had many second chances. but flushed every one of them down the toilet or so i have been told by those who supposedly know. My friend A was the same the only difference was she had a wealthy mother to bail her out and keep her out of the incarceration tanks but not out of the cancer center.

When A was diagnosed for cancer and had just finished her second round of chemo she sat on her porch telling me how she was clean and hadn’t touched the shit in a year. I told her the only thing that had changed was her dealer. Now instead of meth she had oxycotin. now instead of meeting her dealer in back corners, she did it in the public office of her doctor, the drugs still slowly leading her to the same death, just a different cleaner route than the path she traveled before. She did not disagree.

I have friends who have told me I just should move on and not interact with those who waste their lives on such endeavors, but for all of A’s deception, her unreliability and her destruction she never was short of a smile. She always had a word of encouragement, somehow she always made you feel things weren’t so bad and tomorrow would be a better day. She never held my secrets against me. When i was in the throws of grief that went with writing “Inherited Rage” and thought i would not be able to finish it she would come by and fill my ears with how incredible it was that i was even willing to try. She made me feel good about me and that is what i will remember her by the gifts of love and encouragement that she strewed like rose petals every where she went. She knew how to laugh and at least present the image of having fun, unfortunately it wasn’t until the end that the rest of realized what a front she had put up, and the price she would pay for the secrets she kept.

I will miss my friend A. Despite her faults and human weaknesses she was a good friend to me.
I was blessed to know her and I pray she find that place where she no longer needs a drug to feel the love.

DOCTOR? OR LEGALIZED DRUG DEALER?
by: Lone Heron

I have been in communication with a man who was recently diagnosed with liver cancer. The medication his doctor gave him resulted in a horrible rash that left him with more discomfort and nausea than before. The medications for nausea were not working. I showed him how to take a fresh piece of ginger about the size of the pinkie finger from the first knuckle to the tip- cut it up into thin slices and a fresh piece of garlic the same way, a few chopped up mint leaves, pour boiling water and allow to sit til cool. This ginger garlic mint tea settled the nausea in his stomach within ten minutes of drinking. Why did the medical doctors not suggest this? I think this is because many of our “Doctors” are no longer doctors but rather legal drug dealers.

I am not a doctor but I have spent the past twenty years learning and applying alternative healing techniques. I specialize in chronic pain and recovery related specifically to the connective soft tissues in the body, muscles, tendons, ligaments. I consider myself to be more than a licensed massage therapist as i have taken many additional classes in alternative healing and have helped people resolve issues from the common cold to pneumonia, cat scratches to tiger bites. I have helped many to avoid “unavoidable surgeries’ not by doctoring them but by helping them to understand there body and learn to understand the language it speaks.

I often run into people who are having medical issues in arenas i don’t typically deal with but they have not had good results with doctors and modern medicine has not worked and somehow they end up in my world of prevention seeking answers.

I believe because of the internet for the first time in history the patient has the power at their fingertips to double check their doctor and make decisions for themselves. I also think everyone should learn to make decisions for themselves instead of blindly following their doctors advice.

Truth of the matter is, it is becoming dangerous to take your doctor at his word. 100,000 people+ per year die because of medical misdiagnosis and mis-prescribed medications. That number doesn’t even touch the number of people who were simply inconvenienced and did not die. Those statistics don’t tell us the proportion of true successful visits. And how many true successful visits are there? Is is a successful cure if your doctor prescribed you lipitor for your cholesterol issue that you now must be on forever? Not in my book. In my book that is not a cure. In my book that is a legal drug addiction.

How about this example: I have a 9 year old client who at age 7 in a one month period was taken to the emergency room because her asthma was so bad that she had stopped breathing and was turning blue. Her Inhalers were no longer working. Her parents put her on my table as a last ditch effort after putting me off to follow the medical path for about three years. Two bodywork sessions designed to release the spasms in all of her breathing muscles and she has not had an asthma attack in two years.

Two bodywork sessions = $140 and two hours of time
one emergency room visit —–minimal of $500 if not more and your whole day is wasted.

Which treatment would you rather have if you had been this little girl?
An Inhaler or therapeutic bodywork?

Would your medical doctor have given you this option? Chances are not likely.
Doctor’s are not God, they make many mistakes. Make sure you don’t make the mistake of not checking out all of your options. Many surgeries are avoidable. Many drugs are unnecessary
but nothing will change unless you change. Ask your doctor about your options and if he does not have options for you – FIND ANOTHER DOCTOR.