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Anniversary
By Lone Heron

It’s coming up on 28 years since that fateful june evening when I pulled the trigger and my parents passed into the spirit realm. I wonder if my mother were alive today would she have learned a different way and treat me nicer or would she be the same abusive control freak pushing me in just another cycle of unrealized continuance and projection.

I have forgiven her because I do believe that she really did have it in mind to do her best for me but she just didn’t understand how to go about getting that message across in another form of delivery or at least that’s what I choose to believe. It’s preferable to me to believe that way even if it is wrapped in pieces of denial- I say that because to even begin to believe that is true, I have to forget about the times my mother yelled and screamed telling me how she hated me and never wanted me while pulling hair, slapping,’and hitting.

She may have been telling me her truth in that moment- not once did she ever apologize, but since she did have me,’she did at least make sure I was fed, clothed and got an education which has been the necessary ingredient for me to unravel my nightmare in order to be here writing you today.

It is easier for me to say she was sick as opposed to just plain mean. or at least, this is’what II choose to believe based on what I have learned is true-
Let me explain-
The liver is the organ that generates frustration, irritability,
argumentativeness, anger and rage. According to he five element theory the liver operates at it’s peak between one and three am in the morning, and you should be asleep by 11pm for the liver to do it’s job properly- was my mothers liver further irritated because she worked mid-crew shift and was never in bed asleep when her liver would have been at it’s peak function time?
I know blood sugar which is affected by how well the liver converts sugars to glycogen can also create anger issues in people- I know personally about this one due to my own blood sugars imbalance which now seems to reside at an appropriate number 99-100.
Bringing my blood sugar back into balance with food and exercise greatly reduced my anger levels- note I said reduced, not eliminate, but I think you get the picture – and that is one piece of many that moved me from a place of hating my parents to a place of appreciating them and giving thanks for what they did provide. It does not make what they did right- but it does make it more understandable and therefore easier to forgive.
Especially when you bring alcohol into the parricide equation.
For parents who already have stress and they seek consolation through alcohol which then warps the entire picture even more by warping the individual mind, body and soul while aggravating the already stressed liver into overdrive thereby increasing the rage- and the kids
know it’s time to disappear if at all possible.

Once upon a time alcohol was called spirits and it was said that it weakens the individuals consciousness to the point that negative entities could step in and direct the body as the temporary designated driver….so to speak – is that what happens when a person gets so drunk they are unconscious of their actions even though they are still being active?

I wonder what Jacob Ind and others think of their parents- I wonder if they have forgiveness for them. I wonder have they thought things out as I have or have they gone a different route in their minds. Perhaps one day I will have the opportunity to speak directly to other parricide survivors about the nightmare we have experienced. I have had the opportunity to communicate with two other parricide victims via mail and telephone, one is now free the other is still incarcerated.
I believe the individual growth has been limited and stunted due to the system of incarceration that controls the other side of such events.

I have been blessed with many opportunities that those like Jacob ind will never have the experience of. Jacob has lost twenty years of his life for defending it. How would you feel if you were celebrating your umpteenth anniversary locked in a cage because you wanted to live free of harm, free of pain and you were pressed so deeply into a corner that your most primal instincts, kill or be killed were engaged and like a puppet you play the part unable to stop any event in the long chain of events that led to the moment in time where all thoughts of right and wrong roll back in your head like a sharks eye appears to do in a feeding frenzy.

The shrinks and counselors, judges and lawyers, and general society gather around to analyze it.
Gotta blame someone so it’s the kid that takes the heat cause the parents are dead. And society in its limited capacity to understand that which it has not experienced and then don’t understand why the kids do not acquiesce – inspection and analyzation are major pieces in the role played by parricide parents. So when the officials get involved after the fact well most times It’s just another form of hypocrisy. Another know it all thinking they know how to fix it. I propose they are not truly interested in fixing it because if they really were someone would have knocked on my door by now and said “hey – you own you committed this “crime” side stepped long term incarceration,have not regressed but instead progressed, have never killed again after 28 years? How did you do it? What suggestions from having come through this experience would you offer those of us on the outside trying to help rehabilitate and understand it? But no no one wants to hear my thoughts on healing these atrocities. They want to grab and run just like parricide parents. Eventually, they, like parricide parents and all other bullies in all walks of life, will meet the one,that even if only for a moment is bigger than them and then finally they will perhaps begin to understand, they too, are part of the problem that blocks and interferes with the natural course of healing.

My childhood prepared me for life in manny ways better than those who had the perfect leave it to beaver childhood. It made me strong and motivated me to do better. For many years I beat myself after all I was a murderer. But I am not. If I were a murderer as opposed to a survivor I can think of at least 3 other people who are still alive and kicking that would be six feet under somewhere.

With each passing year I feel more connection and gratitude for my parents. As awful as they were they could have been worse and they did create a survivor in me, or maybe I already was, they were just the ones to help me to learn about tat aspect of myself. I have no doubt that I will meet them on the other side of my death bed whenever that day arrives I will be looking forward to new levels of communication that could never be achieved here on this side of life.

Where once upon a time I ranted, raved, cried and even for a period denounced God trying to understand what I had done wrong to deserve this life- now I have come full circle and thank God for putting me through the strengthening fires of negativity. I am stronger for it due to the healing path I have followed. I hope the same is true of my parricide brothers and sisters who have fallen into incarceration. I hope they can with time, find value in the path they have traveled as have I.

Thank you for reading my post.
Questions &and and comments can be directed
To loneheron@Gmail.com
Inherited rage is my story which is frighteningly similar to other parricide events.
Inherited rage by: Lone Heron
can be found at http://www.amazon.com

It’s been a while since I have written about parricide.

It is a battle. I want to help. I want to change things. I want things to be better for those who come behind me. But, I realize I cannot move forward if I continually return to the past.
I remind myself, my focus is fertilizer and what ever I engage with and focus on will grow. I must place my focus carefully, then, I think.

When we focus on the problem and not the solution the problem continues… And then I look at a bigger idea and think maybe the problem will always be there because it’s supposed to be.
Through horribly contrasting situations such as parricide it really can show many of our citizens just how lucky they are. Is not appreciation the root of everything good?

How nice is it to go home to be with your pleasant loving families for the holidays? How nice is it to have people remember and show up with good wishes, warm hugs, love, and acceptance.
Similar traits are strangely missing in parricide families. Even if they were present, how can a parricide kid believe if the other messages tell them they are useless? Contrast – where would we be without it?

The Buddhists say acceptance of all is key if one wants to attain peace and joy. But how can the process of creation that grows and ends in violence ever be acceptable when you are in the midst of it? Yet how can it be anything but acceptable? It is, after all, just a process. Detaching from an agenda or outcome helps it all to be strangely acceptable. Surrendering to the idea that all is exactly as it should be–including my childhood, as unpleasant as it was – it was a great teacher.

I opened a fortune cookie once that read: “The criminal only commits the crime–the society prepares it.” – Chinese proverb.

When society blames the “criminal” for the crime fed by society instead of sharing the responsibility with all those who played a part, how can it ever stop?

This is the year hopefully our citizens will start standing up, and speaking out, demanding change within themselves and those around them in neighborhoods where these atrocities occur.

Parricide has been occurring since the beginning of time. I believe this is some lesson for the soul and through the process if we apply ourselves we can grow, We can become more than we ever could have been without the experience but it is always our individual choice.

Recently Dan Dailey referenced me and my book, Inherited Rage, in a review, a blog about child abuse, and in this blog stated I was one of the angriest people he knew.

At first I felt like I had been slapped. I don’t want to be known as the angriest person anyone knows. Then I started thinking… Dan’s a hermit in the desert; he really doesn’t get out that much; what does he really know about angry?

Then I thought hmmmm… Bad press is the best press, and if Dan slating me as one of the angriest he knows draws people to learn and grow from my experience… well then, damn, bring it on–slap me again Dan.

I may struggle with anger ’til the day I die, but I don’t fight what has happened in the past in my head anymore. That battle I do feel I have won. But I will fight the atrocities that I perceive ’til the day I die.

It makes me angry to see so much random abuse in the world. But it is what it is and there is a lesson in all of it for all of us.

What we do with emotion that occurs spontaneously when someone says something not to our liking can be the difference of either closing or opening the door of opportunity. It is a challenge to remind ourselves in the moment of that automatic knee jerk to THINK–but if we can remember that we can always turn the doorway into one of opportunity.

To all of you who read my blog thank you. May you all be blessed in untold ways. May you always see the opportunity that struggle offers and never never never quit! Never give up and always strive to be the very best you can be no matter what anyone says!

Inherited Rage can be found at http://www.amazon.com. It’s not a book for the weak of heart but those who have had the tenacity to read and finish just might find something that will leave them feeling blessed and lucky to have walked a different path.

Thank you to my readers- may GOD bless you all in good ways.

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Learning how to feel
By: lone Heron
Author of Inherited Rage -available at amazon.com

Learning how to communicate requires learning how to listen.

Learning how to truly listen
Requires learning how to feel.
How many can truly honestly say how they feel?
How do you feel today?

If you don’t feel good are you ignoring it just to get through the day? That’s what happens to children of parricide. They have to ignore their feelings just to survive. After years of this practice they become numb just like after listening to loud noises over time causes one to lose hearing. Ignoring how we feel causes a lack of feelings. Most of us have a choice but the child of parricide has no more of a choice about his feelings than the soldier who fights with heavy artillery has a choice about his hearing- even ear protection will not completely protect from the damage being done.

When we don’t have the compassion or the feeling to lift a finger to aide another in assistance when they are asking for it what gives us the right to judge them after they take care of the problem themselves? A good majority of our good Christian citizens who tell us we shouldn’t judge will be the first ones to turn on the evening news and make decisions they lack the information to honestly make. Looks like Judgement in my mind. The very Christians that turned a blind eye unwilling to help were the same damn busy bodies that visited me in jail wanting to help- but then it was tooooooo late. God will save you they said- to which I think if god worked those good Christians would have intervened but they did not because they only quoted what the bible said about God- that same program they were taught did not work at my house. They could not conceive much less understand and so they judged and to this day many still do. It is a very sad situation, ignorance and fear breed segregation that is based upon emotional intelligence which relates to how we feel that the majority never even acknowledge.

We are told at various points how we are not to feel- but how are we supposed to feel?
And what do we do with those feelings that gnaw away and turn us into less than what we were meant to be. what are we supposed to do with those feelings we don’t want to feel? I don’t believe it was meant for us to go around feeling like we weren’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, rich enough whatever enough….. But these were the things we learned from a society that doesn’t want to communicate and build but rather a society that needs to tear something down to make an some other individual feel better. What happened to focusing on the subject at hand and dealing with it instead of sweeping it under the rug where it could grow into a monster.
What happened to agreeing to disagree- what happened to the idea of reciprocation? What happened to the idea: If you scratch my back I will scratch yours and everybody can be itch free.

I have helped many and i believe i was able to do so because I learned to help myself first. No one else seemed to be able to hear or wanted to hear what I was saying and therefore they couldn’t help me, but boy did they judge me for helping myself! I believe the ones who were the angriest were also feeling the guiltiest because they didn’t do anything to change the course of anything. Those who stand by and watch the crime occur while doing nothing are as guilty as the ones doing wrong in my opinion. They are approving the action by not defying it. Until our society realizes how they assist in the creation of the crime committed by the criminal we will not resolve our problems. We cannot do this until we learn how to feel. We can not do this until we become more compassionate and accepting of how others feel, and yet the idea of emotional education is very foreign to most of us. We rarely stop and consider how we feel unless something in our body actually hurts, if we were to learn to reflect upon how we feel I am thinking many of our physical as well as emotional and mental issues would automatically dissolve simply because as we started to hone in on how we felt we would also hone in on those lil things that build into big things and stop them before they became crises or monsters.

The Importance of remembering——-

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for the sake of remembering and thinking about things i offer the following quote from –
Dr Benjamin Rush,
a signer of the Declaration of Independence (of the United States of America)

” UNLESS WE PUT MEDICAL FREEDOM INTO THE CONSTITUTION, THE TIME WILL COME
WHEN MEDICINE WILL ORGANIZE INTO AN UNDERCOVER DICTATORSHIP………
TO RESTRICT THE ART OF HEALING TO ONE CLASS OF MEN, AND DENY EQUAL PRIVILEGE
TO OTHERS, WILL BE TO CONSTITUTE THE BASTILLE OF MEDICAL SCIENCE. ALL SUCH LAWS ARE UN-AMERICAN AND DESPOTIC AND HAVE NO PLACE IN A REPUBLIC……
THE CONSTITUTION OF THIS REPUBLIC SHOULD MAKE SPECIAL PRIVILEGE FOR MEDICAL FREEDOM AS WELL AS RELIGIOUS FREEDOM.”
———— Benjamin Rush, M.D., War Hero*

Consider your votes carefully- consider what choices the candidates make for you-
Consider what they offer and what trade off you give and ponder is it really worth it?
Reformed health care reminds me of the afore quoted warning—
I personally want to keep my freedom to follow, to choose and believe
what my heart and soul tell me to be true as to what a reform care plan might or might
not cover….
Just one more annoying thing to consider-
The only person you can really depend on is yourself – choose carefully – choose freedom
Be the best you can be.