Archives for category: No gaurantee’s

It’s been a while since I have written about parricide.

It is a battle. I want to help. I want to change things. I want things to be better for those who come behind me. But, I realize I cannot move forward if I continually return to the past.
I remind myself, my focus is fertilizer and what ever I engage with and focus on will grow. I must place my focus carefully, then, I think.

When we focus on the problem and not the solution the problem continues… And then I look at a bigger idea and think maybe the problem will always be there because it’s supposed to be.
Through horribly contrasting situations such as parricide it really can show many of our citizens just how lucky they are. Is not appreciation the root of everything good?

How nice is it to go home to be with your pleasant loving families for the holidays? How nice is it to have people remember and show up with good wishes, warm hugs, love, and acceptance.
Similar traits are strangely missing in parricide families. Even if they were present, how can a parricide kid believe if the other messages tell them they are useless? Contrast – where would we be without it?

The Buddhists say acceptance of all is key if one wants to attain peace and joy. But how can the process of creation that grows and ends in violence ever be acceptable when you are in the midst of it? Yet how can it be anything but acceptable? It is, after all, just a process. Detaching from an agenda or outcome helps it all to be strangely acceptable. Surrendering to the idea that all is exactly as it should be–including my childhood, as unpleasant as it was – it was a great teacher.

I opened a fortune cookie once that read: “The criminal only commits the crime–the society prepares it.” – Chinese proverb.

When society blames the “criminal” for the crime fed by society instead of sharing the responsibility with all those who played a part, how can it ever stop?

This is the year hopefully our citizens will start standing up, and speaking out, demanding change within themselves and those around them in neighborhoods where these atrocities occur.

Parricide has been occurring since the beginning of time. I believe this is some lesson for the soul and through the process if we apply ourselves we can grow, We can become more than we ever could have been without the experience but it is always our individual choice.

Recently Dan Dailey referenced me and my book, Inherited Rage, in a review, a blog about child abuse, and in this blog stated I was one of the angriest people he knew.

At first I felt like I had been slapped. I don’t want to be known as the angriest person anyone knows. Then I started thinking… Dan’s a hermit in the desert; he really doesn’t get out that much; what does he really know about angry?

Then I thought hmmmm… Bad press is the best press, and if Dan slating me as one of the angriest he knows draws people to learn and grow from my experience… well then, damn, bring it on–slap me again Dan.

I may struggle with anger ’til the day I die, but I don’t fight what has happened in the past in my head anymore. That battle I do feel I have won. But I will fight the atrocities that I perceive ’til the day I die.

It makes me angry to see so much random abuse in the world. But it is what it is and there is a lesson in all of it for all of us.

What we do with emotion that occurs spontaneously when someone says something not to our liking can be the difference of either closing or opening the door of opportunity. It is a challenge to remind ourselves in the moment of that automatic knee jerk to THINK–but if we can remember that we can always turn the doorway into one of opportunity.

To all of you who read my blog thank you. May you all be blessed in untold ways. May you always see the opportunity that struggle offers and never never never quit! Never give up and always strive to be the very best you can be no matter what anyone says!

Inherited Rage can be found at http://www.amazon.com. It’s not a book for the weak of heart but those who have had the tenacity to read and finish just might find something that will leave them feeling blessed and lucky to have walked a different path.

Thank you to my readers- may GOD bless you all in good ways.

See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil
By: Lone Heron

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Who among us has not fought the battle of deciding- do i tell or keep quiet?
We have all been imprinted with- see no evil, speak no evil, and hear no evil-
but where is the program for doing no evil when it’s done to us?

Both mine and Jacob Ind’s mothers wished us dead before we ever really knew what dead was.
15 yrs apart on opposite sides of the country we experienced frighteningly similar childhoods. We both came into a world where our mothers really did not want us and the hell began.
15 and 18 years later Jacob and I ended our hell by similar measures. The paths we took to get there were slightly different but thick with similarity. If ourstories were compared to others of similar nature I am betting there are even more markers to be found. I am betting this kind of study could reveal a profound foretelling or forewarning that these events are not only highly probable, but in certain situations most certain and nothing less than evacuating the child to some other place where there best interests would be maintained will do.

I propose one place that might be would be a self sustaining working farm where this child could become part of a community that was geared for this purpose alone.
One well managed farm should be able to handle 1-200 kids at a time while also providing a job/housing arrangement for the public that would provide these kids the opportunity to learn a new way to be while giving back to the community. 3-4 of these scattered around the country would take these special children out of the modern day concentration camps we call prison.

All participants would work collectively on this farm all would have chores and responsibility.
One working for all and all working for one.
Connected we stand- divided we fall-
It’s time to re-connect and stand tall.

To do that we must share and so that’s Exactly what I am doing here- I am sharing what I know in hopes that it will somehow help. If you find my post helpful please let me know. If you have answers to my questions, then I would like to talk to you over tea. If you wish to attack me negatively in any way, it really is gonna make me suspicious about You and why you respond so strongly Because this s not about me. We might have to have a long talk to get to the bottom of it or in some cases for those who just want to argue for the sake of argue- just walk on by. It is my intention to do everything I can to help us find a better way and nothing more. My dreams are not wealth or status my dreams are for change that brings peace, acceptance understanding joy and happiness.

Proceeds from
Inherited Rage by lone Heron
Www.amazon.com
will be directed to create funds to establish just such a farm as the one mentioned above. If you can help with this dream please contact us- let us know how you can help. otherwise ~ well taxes aren’t getting any cheaper and I don’t know about you but I would rather see the incarnated youth growing there own food, I think ploughing the field and mucking out the milking cows stall and collecting eggs is a better option than a 6×8 concrete cell like uncommon pound animal.
I would like to see them learning about life from mother nature and recovering to be a productive participant rather than another tax dollar on my aching wallet.

The murder of Jacob by MaryEllen Johnson can be found at http://www.pemndulumfoundation.com
under MaryEllen’s blog.

Which would you choose: Cock, Snake &; Dog or Prison for life?
By: Lone Heron
Author: Inherited Rage http://www.amazon.com
Www.survivingrage.wordress.com

Google it if you don’t believe me, Worst roman punishment- applicable to parricide- the kid killed the parents and the authorities of the day then took a rooster, a dog and a poisonous snake along with the child who committed the crime of parricide- put them in a sack – tied the opening shut and throw them all in the river! Talk about case closed, that would do it, or at least that was the end of that one particular case. But what about the hundreds of thousands of kids who would commit this same crime of self defense down the lines of history and evolution? What about the ones that our society has sentenced?

I personally do not believe the crime of parricide deserves any punishment. These kids paid for their “crime” long before the idea to kill ever came into their consciousness. These kids are not criminals- they do not attack people out of the blue and should not be compared to a kid who is in jail for a drive by shooting on a complete stranger. A parricide child’s defense of himself should no more be considered a crime than the 83 year old who shot an intruder in the dark.

I do believe these kids should be given therapy and sent to school and protected from falling into the realms of education by those who pursue criminal activity because everyone else they know is and its “cool” not because someone who has repeatedly hurt them finally got a well deserved dose of their own! Yes I am opinionated about this particular subject because I have lived it and in this case I happen to believe I probably know more about parricide than 95% of anybody. Now I may not know the laws like Paul Mones, I may not know the psychology like dr Heidii but I know what it takes to heal from these events and I know that these events do not occur because parricide kids are “bad” I know this because I am a parricide kid all grown up into a productive, valued and appreciated adult member of society. I know more about parricide than you can ever learn from a book or a theory or a study because I lived it and I can tell you it’s not the child you should fear, but rather what you teach the child. What you give is what you will get. I would guess most parricide children are indigos (you can google indigo children to learn more). Indigos are excellent mirrors- and they are also very sensitive. They are agents of change.

We need change in this world. We need education instead of argumentation, we need education instead of medication but we won’t receive these things until we choose them. Until that time we will continue to struggle with these same negative elements in society. We need cooperation, understanding and patience to turn our ships around. We need a desire to do better in order to get better and we must get involved however we can, there is plenty to do and everyone can do something.

You can throw the “problem” in a bag or lock it up in a cell but it won’t stop the event from happening again if you just keep on living like you always have. It took the events of parricide
And untold hours of healing time for me to come to this stage. Each step I made was a choice sometimes conscious and others totally directed by subconsciousness. We are all the same and only when we change ourselves from within will the reflection the world gives back change.

Fighting only brings more fighting. Imprisonment only brings more imprisonment, not just for those imprisoned but most especially for those who are paying for the imprisonment of others. Whatever you do to another you do to yourself. We often don’t think about things like that but it is true, it is not always either immediate or literal but it is always true with a twist we often cannot foresee.

I think a lot – many tell me I think to much- but we were given a brain for a reason- and it has been through thinking and education more than anything else that has fed my quest in finding peace within me. The more ok I become with me the more powerful I become at attracting good things in my life. The more I focus on those the better I do. I bring good things by doing good things and by not agreeing to let others do bad things to me and that includes hitting me or putting me at risk or degrading me verbally. We all choose or we choose not to make a choice and then someone else will choose for us. So I will continue to think about things like “justice” and ”
judgement” and I will continue to agree to disagree as I use my thoughts to sail me deeper and deeper into a state of satisfaction and contentment.

Thoughts are important- they are the beginning of every path created,
So….
THINK GOOD THOUGHTS
~ words become actions ~ actions become habits
~habits become character ~ character becomes destiny.

So no matter if you end up in the ditch in the cold mud or
On a sunny hill under the dappled shade of a great oak
You took yourself there by the choices you made first and
foremost in the thoughts you thought whether you were consciously aware or not.

As a society we passed judgement (1st strike)
And said “the wrongdoers must be punished” (2nd strike)
“let’s incarcerate them , then we will be safe” (3rd strike)
the worst of all is the lie we told ourselves (we will be safe),
We tricked ourselves and we are not safe- because now we have to work twice as hard
And the problem continues to occur while the debts continue to rise.

Perhaps one day we will learn to communicate & educate instead of fight and control
Until then well I would have to say the roman version was much more efficient and
If I had a to make the choice ~ prison or snake, dog, rooster – I personally would
sign up for the river ride with the critters. It would be a short ride.

Salute to friendships
By: Lone Heron

I recently lost a friend of 25 years. A was my first real boss in a real office 25 plus years ago. She hired me as her administrative assistant. She was the regional director of the southern office of a major foreign exchange student program. The heiracrchy went: A: Regional Director, Myself: Regional Directors assistant, fifty coordinators, two hundred and fifty representatives and six to seven hundred foreign exchange students to be placed into american host families to experience the american way of life for a year.

A was only two years older than myself. She was a party girl and charasmatic. She was confident and in charge. She was everything we all wished we could be, or at least she seemed to be. She had it all, the job, the car, the corner office, the handsome talented fiancĂ©, the cool friends……. Ah, the cool friends didn’t turn out to be so cool when truth was finally told.

For eighteen months II worked happily as her assistant and then things started changing. There
was confusion where there had not been before -nothing seemed to be going right in the office, papers were lost, bills weren’t paid, those responsibilities were not my department, but i was blamed for the chaos. Nothing made sense. I was told the company was making cutbacks and i should look for another job, so I did. I found another job and moved on ….went back to school and entered an entirely different career but I stayed in touch with my former boss and over the years an odd friendship grew.

When I graduated massage school A became an infrequent visitor to my table, I met her husband and watched from a distance the process of the birth of two healthy boys and a miserable divorce.
I met her mother. I worked on the boys, I worked on her, and from time to time we would hang out , grill out, talk about the men in or out of our lives, work, and all those things that friends talk about.

Over the years A shared shattered pieces of her story- she allowed me to see her life through the windows of her memories and her pain. Parents divorced early, Dad walked out and basically abandoned A, her brother and mother. Mother remarried financially successful but step dad trespassed his new step daughter. At 14 she ran away and became a heroin hooker on hollywood blvd for a couple of years before somehow she ended up back in her home town on the east coast with mama cleaning her up. She stayed on her wagon ????no one really knows how long….. but it was never long enough. the last ten years of her life she started confessing so many things to me.

Things I would never have dreamed to guess, things like her first son wasn’t really her husband’s but her dealer’s at the time. She told me many things. shocking things like if i had not of left the company where i originally met her of my own accord she would have fired me because she had used me as a cover to embezzle over sixty thousand dollars from the company – twenty years after the fact she asked me why I wasn’t mad as i stood looking at her in total shock. What would be the point of getting mad I asked? It’s done and luckily no harm came to me but why would you do that? You did not need the money. Her answer was a simple shrug and a quiet, just to see if i could”. The more she revealed the more my heart sank as I realized how she had created the nightmare that would in the end take not only take her life, but her 16 year old son’s as well. They died a week apart.
One leaving behind regrets of a life unfilled, the other regrets of how their life was lived.

I have watched from a distance through the windows of my friends memories and learned much about why I would never want to try coke, crank, crack, heroin, meth or any other form of snow to be snorted, cooked, injected or smoked I am glad my blessed mother put the fear of those things in me from an early age. I never really knew my blood father partially at least to his involvement in those things and those things among others led him to tour the united states from a variety of different incarceration ports. He had many second chances. but flushed every one of them down the toilet or so i have been told by those who supposedly know. My friend A was the same the only difference was she had a wealthy mother to bail her out and keep her out of the incarceration tanks but not out of the cancer center.

When A was diagnosed for cancer and had just finished her second round of chemo she sat on her porch telling me how she was clean and hadn’t touched the shit in a year. I told her the only thing that had changed was her dealer. Now instead of meth she had oxycotin. now instead of meeting her dealer in back corners, she did it in the public office of her doctor, the drugs still slowly leading her to the same death, just a different cleaner route than the path she traveled before. She did not disagree.

I have friends who have told me I just should move on and not interact with those who waste their lives on such endeavors, but for all of A’s deception, her unreliability and her destruction she never was short of a smile. She always had a word of encouragement, somehow she always made you feel things weren’t so bad and tomorrow would be a better day. She never held my secrets against me. When i was in the throws of grief that went with writing “Inherited Rage” and thought i would not be able to finish it she would come by and fill my ears with how incredible it was that i was even willing to try. She made me feel good about me and that is what i will remember her by the gifts of love and encouragement that she strewed like rose petals every where she went. She knew how to laugh and at least present the image of having fun, unfortunately it wasn’t until the end that the rest of realized what a front she had put up, and the price she would pay for the secrets she kept.

I will miss my friend A. Despite her faults and human weaknesses she was a good friend to me.
I was blessed to know her and I pray she find that place where she no longer needs a drug to feel the love.