Archives for category: decreasing rage

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Anniversary
By Lone Heron

It’s coming up on 28 years since that fateful june evening when I pulled the trigger and my parents passed into the spirit realm. I wonder if my mother were alive today would she have learned a different way and treat me nicer or would she be the same abusive control freak pushing me in just another cycle of unrealized continuance and projection.

I have forgiven her because I do believe that she really did have it in mind to do her best for me but she just didn’t understand how to go about getting that message across in another form of delivery or at least that’s what I choose to believe. It’s preferable to me to believe that way even if it is wrapped in pieces of denial- I say that because to even begin to believe that is true, I have to forget about the times my mother yelled and screamed telling me how she hated me and never wanted me while pulling hair, slapping,’and hitting.

She may have been telling me her truth in that moment- not once did she ever apologize, but since she did have me,’she did at least make sure I was fed, clothed and got an education which has been the necessary ingredient for me to unravel my nightmare in order to be here writing you today.

It is easier for me to say she was sick as opposed to just plain mean. or at least, this is’what II choose to believe based on what I have learned is true-
Let me explain-
The liver is the organ that generates frustration, irritability,
argumentativeness, anger and rage. According to he five element theory the liver operates at it’s peak between one and three am in the morning, and you should be asleep by 11pm for the liver to do it’s job properly- was my mothers liver further irritated because she worked mid-crew shift and was never in bed asleep when her liver would have been at it’s peak function time?
I know blood sugar which is affected by how well the liver converts sugars to glycogen can also create anger issues in people- I know personally about this one due to my own blood sugars imbalance which now seems to reside at an appropriate number 99-100.
Bringing my blood sugar back into balance with food and exercise greatly reduced my anger levels- note I said reduced, not eliminate, but I think you get the picture – and that is one piece of many that moved me from a place of hating my parents to a place of appreciating them and giving thanks for what they did provide. It does not make what they did right- but it does make it more understandable and therefore easier to forgive.
Especially when you bring alcohol into the parricide equation.
For parents who already have stress and they seek consolation through alcohol which then warps the entire picture even more by warping the individual mind, body and soul while aggravating the already stressed liver into overdrive thereby increasing the rage- and the kids
know it’s time to disappear if at all possible.

Once upon a time alcohol was called spirits and it was said that it weakens the individuals consciousness to the point that negative entities could step in and direct the body as the temporary designated driver….so to speak – is that what happens when a person gets so drunk they are unconscious of their actions even though they are still being active?

I wonder what Jacob Ind and others think of their parents- I wonder if they have forgiveness for them. I wonder have they thought things out as I have or have they gone a different route in their minds. Perhaps one day I will have the opportunity to speak directly to other parricide survivors about the nightmare we have experienced. I have had the opportunity to communicate with two other parricide victims via mail and telephone, one is now free the other is still incarcerated.
I believe the individual growth has been limited and stunted due to the system of incarceration that controls the other side of such events.

I have been blessed with many opportunities that those like Jacob ind will never have the experience of. Jacob has lost twenty years of his life for defending it. How would you feel if you were celebrating your umpteenth anniversary locked in a cage because you wanted to live free of harm, free of pain and you were pressed so deeply into a corner that your most primal instincts, kill or be killed were engaged and like a puppet you play the part unable to stop any event in the long chain of events that led to the moment in time where all thoughts of right and wrong roll back in your head like a sharks eye appears to do in a feeding frenzy.

The shrinks and counselors, judges and lawyers, and general society gather around to analyze it.
Gotta blame someone so it’s the kid that takes the heat cause the parents are dead. And society in its limited capacity to understand that which it has not experienced and then don’t understand why the kids do not acquiesce – inspection and analyzation are major pieces in the role played by parricide parents. So when the officials get involved after the fact well most times It’s just another form of hypocrisy. Another know it all thinking they know how to fix it. I propose they are not truly interested in fixing it because if they really were someone would have knocked on my door by now and said “hey – you own you committed this “crime” side stepped long term incarceration,have not regressed but instead progressed, have never killed again after 28 years? How did you do it? What suggestions from having come through this experience would you offer those of us on the outside trying to help rehabilitate and understand it? But no no one wants to hear my thoughts on healing these atrocities. They want to grab and run just like parricide parents. Eventually, they, like parricide parents and all other bullies in all walks of life, will meet the one,that even if only for a moment is bigger than them and then finally they will perhaps begin to understand, they too, are part of the problem that blocks and interferes with the natural course of healing.

My childhood prepared me for life in manny ways better than those who had the perfect leave it to beaver childhood. It made me strong and motivated me to do better. For many years I beat myself after all I was a murderer. But I am not. If I were a murderer as opposed to a survivor I can think of at least 3 other people who are still alive and kicking that would be six feet under somewhere.

With each passing year I feel more connection and gratitude for my parents. As awful as they were they could have been worse and they did create a survivor in me, or maybe I already was, they were just the ones to help me to learn about tat aspect of myself. I have no doubt that I will meet them on the other side of my death bed whenever that day arrives I will be looking forward to new levels of communication that could never be achieved here on this side of life.

Where once upon a time I ranted, raved, cried and even for a period denounced God trying to understand what I had done wrong to deserve this life- now I have come full circle and thank God for putting me through the strengthening fires of negativity. I am stronger for it due to the healing path I have followed. I hope the same is true of my parricide brothers and sisters who have fallen into incarceration. I hope they can with time, find value in the path they have traveled as have I.

Thank you for reading my post.
Questions &and and comments can be directed
To loneheron@Gmail.com
Inherited rage is my story which is frighteningly similar to other parricide events.
Inherited rage by: Lone Heron
can be found at http://www.amazon.com

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It’s been a while since I have written about parricide.

It is a battle. I want to help. I want to change things. I want things to be better for those who come behind me. But, I realize I cannot move forward if I continually return to the past.
I remind myself, my focus is fertilizer and what ever I engage with and focus on will grow. I must place my focus carefully, then, I think.

When we focus on the problem and not the solution the problem continues… And then I look at a bigger idea and think maybe the problem will always be there because it’s supposed to be.
Through horribly contrasting situations such as parricide it really can show many of our citizens just how lucky they are. Is not appreciation the root of everything good?

How nice is it to go home to be with your pleasant loving families for the holidays? How nice is it to have people remember and show up with good wishes, warm hugs, love, and acceptance.
Similar traits are strangely missing in parricide families. Even if they were present, how can a parricide kid believe if the other messages tell them they are useless? Contrast – where would we be without it?

The Buddhists say acceptance of all is key if one wants to attain peace and joy. But how can the process of creation that grows and ends in violence ever be acceptable when you are in the midst of it? Yet how can it be anything but acceptable? It is, after all, just a process. Detaching from an agenda or outcome helps it all to be strangely acceptable. Surrendering to the idea that all is exactly as it should be–including my childhood, as unpleasant as it was – it was a great teacher.

I opened a fortune cookie once that read: “The criminal only commits the crime–the society prepares it.” – Chinese proverb.

When society blames the “criminal” for the crime fed by society instead of sharing the responsibility with all those who played a part, how can it ever stop?

This is the year hopefully our citizens will start standing up, and speaking out, demanding change within themselves and those around them in neighborhoods where these atrocities occur.

Parricide has been occurring since the beginning of time. I believe this is some lesson for the soul and through the process if we apply ourselves we can grow, We can become more than we ever could have been without the experience but it is always our individual choice.

Recently Dan Dailey referenced me and my book, Inherited Rage, in a review, a blog about child abuse, and in this blog stated I was one of the angriest people he knew.

At first I felt like I had been slapped. I don’t want to be known as the angriest person anyone knows. Then I started thinking… Dan’s a hermit in the desert; he really doesn’t get out that much; what does he really know about angry?

Then I thought hmmmm… Bad press is the best press, and if Dan slating me as one of the angriest he knows draws people to learn and grow from my experience… well then, damn, bring it on–slap me again Dan.

I may struggle with anger ’til the day I die, but I don’t fight what has happened in the past in my head anymore. That battle I do feel I have won. But I will fight the atrocities that I perceive ’til the day I die.

It makes me angry to see so much random abuse in the world. But it is what it is and there is a lesson in all of it for all of us.

What we do with emotion that occurs spontaneously when someone says something not to our liking can be the difference of either closing or opening the door of opportunity. It is a challenge to remind ourselves in the moment of that automatic knee jerk to THINK–but if we can remember that we can always turn the doorway into one of opportunity.

To all of you who read my blog thank you. May you all be blessed in untold ways. May you always see the opportunity that struggle offers and never never never quit! Never give up and always strive to be the very best you can be no matter what anyone says!

Inherited Rage can be found at http://www.amazon.com. It’s not a book for the weak of heart but those who have had the tenacity to read and finish just might find something that will leave them feeling blessed and lucky to have walked a different path.

Thank you to my readers- may GOD bless you all in good ways.

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Getting Along with Others
By: Lone Heron
Author of Inherited Rage-available at amazon.com

Getting along with others seems to be a real challenge for many, including myself.. I like the ideal of getting along with others but it doesn’t always seem to work out to well. I say that because if you aren’t agreeing with them,you probably aren’t going to get along with them. You can try, but likely you will keep getting hung up on that same old disagreeable snag. Or at least that seems to have been my personal experience. I can agree to disagree, but I seem to have difficulty sitting silently by and keeping my mouth shut! It’s really quite ironic when you consider I spent the first twenty years of my life keeping my mouth shut -fear is a powerful motivator – i guess II have made up for it the last twenty years of my life and now I find myself reverting back to being a quieter, less volunteering person- what’s the point when no one hears or remembers?

What’s the point of asking when the people you have asked have proven time and again they don’t really care about what’s up with you because their drama is soooooo much more important…
We all have people like this in our lives and even when we take time out to focus and try to help them, they don’t really appreciate it. They take everything you have to give and then want more but they don’t want to reciprocate anything to feed the flow of energy. Oh no- to get these people to do anything to help you is about as difficult as freezing water in hell.

You can ask nicely, bargain, offer a fair trade, beg, cajole, pester, annoy and they just smile agree and then ignore- or pretend the conversation never occurred. But these hese same people won’t blink an eye in hesitation the next time they see you before they launch into what they need from you. These people are I have decided evil and insincere friends. Sincere friends want to help. They offer their help and actually follow through instead of just talking about it.

I think the time has come to weed my garden of insincere friends- those who will take my help all day long- those who feel no qualms to ask of me whatever they like with no thought of reciprocation- it reminds me of what the nazis did to the Jewish, and of what a parricide parent does to create a parricide child.

The give and take energy is out of balance- take take take- more more more- it’s all over the place in our society and until we learn how to draw hard boundaries it will continue to be picked up by group after group to try and succeed where prior groups have failed- the trail will be followed by many until enough realize and consciously divert the heard by drawing boundaries and choosing how they engage,instead of wasting energy helping others who do not reciprocate and who do not reinvest the energy wisely given them by those who helped them. ” Waste not, want not ” – ageless wisdom. Yet so many of us seem to forget this, we waste and squander and then look for someone else to refill the proverbial gas tank. The proverbial gas tank is filled when others pay attention to us. The quality of attention could be comparable to the quality of fuel in your vehicle.
If the gas has been contaminated your car won’t run as smoothly. If the person listening to you can’t tell you what you said 5 min after your conversation was over because they interrupted to tell you something about a totally different subject – well all the energy you spent on that particular conversation was wasted. And without reciprocal energy investment you end up feeling drained and empty. It’s just part of the cycle of life- checks and balances that need to occur in order to maintain harmony- makes since when you apply it to your checking account – but many never apply that thought to their time. If more considered it I bet I could get along with those people a whole lot better.

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Learning how to feel
By: lone Heron
Author of Inherited Rage -available at amazon.com

Learning how to communicate requires learning how to listen.

Learning how to truly listen
Requires learning how to feel.
How many can truly honestly say how they feel?
How do you feel today?

If you don’t feel good are you ignoring it just to get through the day? That’s what happens to children of parricide. They have to ignore their feelings just to survive. After years of this practice they become numb just like after listening to loud noises over time causes one to lose hearing. Ignoring how we feel causes a lack of feelings. Most of us have a choice but the child of parricide has no more of a choice about his feelings than the soldier who fights with heavy artillery has a choice about his hearing- even ear protection will not completely protect from the damage being done.

When we don’t have the compassion or the feeling to lift a finger to aide another in assistance when they are asking for it what gives us the right to judge them after they take care of the problem themselves? A good majority of our good Christian citizens who tell us we shouldn’t judge will be the first ones to turn on the evening news and make decisions they lack the information to honestly make. Looks like Judgement in my mind. The very Christians that turned a blind eye unwilling to help were the same damn busy bodies that visited me in jail wanting to help- but then it was tooooooo late. God will save you they said- to which I think if god worked those good Christians would have intervened but they did not because they only quoted what the bible said about God- that same program they were taught did not work at my house. They could not conceive much less understand and so they judged and to this day many still do. It is a very sad situation, ignorance and fear breed segregation that is based upon emotional intelligence which relates to how we feel that the majority never even acknowledge.

We are told at various points how we are not to feel- but how are we supposed to feel?
And what do we do with those feelings that gnaw away and turn us into less than what we were meant to be. what are we supposed to do with those feelings we don’t want to feel? I don’t believe it was meant for us to go around feeling like we weren’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, rich enough whatever enough….. But these were the things we learned from a society that doesn’t want to communicate and build but rather a society that needs to tear something down to make an some other individual feel better. What happened to focusing on the subject at hand and dealing with it instead of sweeping it under the rug where it could grow into a monster.
What happened to agreeing to disagree- what happened to the idea of reciprocation? What happened to the idea: If you scratch my back I will scratch yours and everybody can be itch free.

I have helped many and i believe i was able to do so because I learned to help myself first. No one else seemed to be able to hear or wanted to hear what I was saying and therefore they couldn’t help me, but boy did they judge me for helping myself! I believe the ones who were the angriest were also feeling the guiltiest because they didn’t do anything to change the course of anything. Those who stand by and watch the crime occur while doing nothing are as guilty as the ones doing wrong in my opinion. They are approving the action by not defying it. Until our society realizes how they assist in the creation of the crime committed by the criminal we will not resolve our problems. We cannot do this until we learn how to feel. We can not do this until we become more compassionate and accepting of how others feel, and yet the idea of emotional education is very foreign to most of us. We rarely stop and consider how we feel unless something in our body actually hurts, if we were to learn to reflect upon how we feel I am thinking many of our physical as well as emotional and mental issues would automatically dissolve simply because as we started to hone in on how we felt we would also hone in on those lil things that build into big things and stop them before they became crises or monsters.

Inherited Rage Progress report for 2012

2012 Inherited Rage became available to the general public via Amazon.com
Attention was drawn to inherited rage through blogs put out here and through
The pendulum foundation via Mary Ellen Johnson. Mentions were made by
Dan Daily in his blogs. Not much else was Done.
Inherited rage made approximately 500$ profit it’s first year on amazon.
300 dollars of that money was paid to the company hired to get it up on the net
The remaining 200 dollars has been sent and received by Dan daily to install a water pump on the property at Estrella vista. Dan holds open doors on his property for parricide kids to have a place to come home to once they are released from incarceration and are trying to find their place to live free of violence in a violent world- it is a difficult chore.

I am thrilled with the responses I have received from readers – only one in a year had a negative commentary- you can find that one one star review on amazon.com next to all the five star reviews. And for the record- all of those reviews are from different people -some I know, but more I don’t.
I wrote Inherited Rage with the intention that my story, as dreadful as it is, would help others
I know it is serving its purpose due to the readers response and I am thrilled that it has accumulated enough funds to make a difference for someone else.

If you have read Inherited Rage and have not, please post a review on Amazon – good or bad-
All are beneficial.
To my readers thank you for your support to help raise awareness on
The issues we all face with abuse in our society.

Below you will find a copy from Amazon reports for IR,

Sold
Borrowed
Royalty
Feb
2
4.08
March
7
1
16.46
April
18
1
39.2
May
13
8
44.58
June
13
44.72
July
17
58.48
August
15
51.6
September
24
96.8
October
20
125
November
11
68.75
December
2
12.5
January
7
43.75
February
7
43.75
March
15

?

171
649.67

For a period of 1 year, 171 copies of IR sold and collected 649.67 in royalties.

Memory
By: lone Heron

Memory is really quite interesting- it is affected by so many different factors including diet, hydration, stress, hormones, emotions, trauma environment… I could go on for pages listing all the things that effect our brains including electronic devices, radio, tv, media, the pesky neighbor,
smells….
We forget about things and then remember we forgot-
We forgive trespasses and try to forget only to be trespassed again. We hit the pot hole at the end of the street even though it’s been there for years.

I became especially aware of my brain and memory after a horse accident in 2000. I sustained a head injury that left me with a nasty concussion. I slept for three and a half days. When I regained consciousness I was missing memory pieces- damage had been done I no longer had color vision
My vision was black and white. My language centers had been affected and I realized I couldn’t remember what the difference between to, two and too among other things. I was angry, angrier than I had ever been except one other time in my life. ( You can read about that other time in “Inherited Rage” available at amazon.com I saw red and was fighting mad. I was so mad I could taste blood. Yet there was none.

The brain has powers unrealized and accidents and injury can spur the brain into stimulating the body into unexpected action as can fear. Balancing the brain nutritionally is part of the recovery process required to move beyond events that create PTSD. Our government ignores this in both our soldiers and prisoners and thus don’t complete the project of recovery they begin. How do we change this? I suggest put them on farms where they can grow enough herbs and foods to facilitate their own healing as well as return some to the citizens who have been paying the bill for them for years.

Bullies
By: lone Heron

Have you ever noticed how bullies often seem to be angry people and they seem to like to pick on the underdogs until eventually one of two things happens either the underdog disappears or they explode and conquer the bully. If the underdog can avoid the bully he will but if he can’t, he gets his ass kicked til he figures how to fight back which is often just pure survival instinct.

Parricide kids grow up with bullies- I believe that bullies are produced because somewhere along the way they made a choice: stop being the underdog and become the bully. The hardass. The dominant being- having played both roles I can tell you neither is truly enjoyable but if there are only two choices I will dominate before I surrender to anothers domination. My preference however would be to operate on a level of communication and cooperation. Unfortunately not all others know how or are willing to interact on that level. For those people who I meet in life that want to dominate me I findI really only have two options:
1- find a way to stay away from them
2-be more powerful than they thus turning the table of domination back on them.

My first choice would be to move away – to put distance between, but what do you do when you cant distance yourself from the bully who continues to hurt you each time worse than the one before? What do you do when you try to get help and no one listens? What do you do when you are staring death in the face and know he’s coming for you if something does not change-
What do you do when the bully is on top of you, choking you and all you know is fear?

I think most of us would fight for our lives and that is ok as long as we don’t have to kill another to live? What part of a slow painful miserable death brought on by a long term bully masquerading as a parent does the legal system not get? Do the judges who sentence these individuals quietly carry quilt for some of the same issues from somewhere in their past? I do hope those judges who sentence do not have to live the parricide experience in their next life because of all of those they effectively bullied in this life by giving prison sentences to those who defended themselves.

I find It interesting, generally it seems the greater the external bully the greater the internal coward. I know when I stood facing my mother with the gun pointed at her for a moment her bully side completely disappeared and before me no longer stood the mighty controller who had ruled over me my entire life but a small frail coward – she raised her hands as if to stop me just as I had every time she hit me- but just like her I was no longer listening- my pain thresh-hold had exceeded it’s limit and I had no sense of rational reasonable thought, sympathy, empathy or even anger- just a sense of numb completion over shifting from bullied to bully. I wonder, what do those judges who sentence parricide victims to prison feel? I wonder, if those judges suddenly found themselves in the shoes of a parricide child in front of a society elected bully passing judgement if they too would freeze up in the spotlight.

The golden rule seems forgotten way to often, especially by so many who have been placed in positions of power by others. It’s very simple: Do unto others as you would have done unto you.
It seems to me the root of so many of our problems stem from this If we spent a little more energy on looking out for one another instead of competing with one another, we would not have half the problems we do.

Consider how you can contribute, lend a helping hand – even if you think someone is just the biggest jerk in the world, it’s amazing how a kind hand, a warm smile, a thoughtful gesture can turn even the greatest bullies heart. I believe bullies are simply people who have not been treated nice and so sadly the only thing they have to share is what they know- what would the world look like if bullies could learn a different way? I believe it is possible to change and grow but it will take everyone stepping forward in themselves and striving to be a better human. It will require that hearts open and shields drop. It will require for us to love one another instead of bully one another. It seems so simple and yet we just can’t seem to master it.

What will it take to forgive one another? What will it take to stop the very violent patterns that course through our very blood? Violence only begets more violence and education is expensive but the cost of our stubborn ignorance is three times as high. Making more laws changes nothing, incarceration changes very little but education has the power to change everything.
So take a moment and try something new. Move away from the insanity of doing the same things over and over hoping for different results that will never come.